Scattered
by gleechild
Summary: Musings from Blair's point of view. Post 4x15.


Blair understood now why Serena had sabotaged things with Raina. She was trying to protect her. As usual, Serena made a mess of things. Why is it so hard for people to figure out the right thing to do at the drop of a hat? But people had a tendency to not make a lot of sense. Take Ben, for instance. Why would he lie to Serena about his job? Everyone knows that getting back into the workforce with his criminal record looming over his head wouldn't be easy. And tutoring wasn't even a good lie! If no one would hire him for the most menial of tasks, than who would hire him to tutor young unsuspecting students?

Plus, the cater-waiter job was something that Dan had already done. If Serena was okay with one of her former boyfriends doing it, why wouldn't she be okay with Ben doing it? You would think all that time in the pokey would give Ben time to ponder the human existence and what made all the little people click. Also, Serena seemed to be on his mind a lot while in prison and out. He hadn't figured out that Serena was a bleeding heart and very accepting?

Guess not.

Blair didn't want to think of Serena's love life, but it was much better than thinking about her own... or lack thereof.

And for some reason, her mind just kept going back to him. Those brief moments spent spying on Chuck just made it all seem so unfair!

Yes, it had been her decision for them to take a break. She knew it was the best thing for her at the time, but sometimes she had a hard time remembering why.

Then she remembered.

Chuck skipped a step. He went right from high school into the corporate world while she was still trying to find her way. He was creating an empire while she was just trying to figure out what she wanted to do with the rest of her life. She had imagined for most of the past two years that the rest of her life would be spent with him. But, she still had her own _personal_ journey to figure out.

God, she sounded like she'd been spending way too much time with a guru.

And maybe she had.

Because for the first time in her life she was trying to be a better person. Before, everything was always about 'What do I want and I'll do anything I can to get it.' Now, she was actually trying to mellow. She was trying to work hard to achieve what she could without scheming—or too_ much_ scheming.

There were hiccups, of course, like the stapler incident and blogging about Ben—but she hadn't gone through with that! She was still trying. And that was probably the single most hardest thing she'd ever done in her life. How do you break the habit of a lifetime? Letting go felt like she was relinquishing her power. She knew that some people managed to achieve their dreams without being underhanded and devious, but she was always positive that approach would never work for her. However, these past few years hadn't been kind to her. With the exception of the times she was working _with_ Chuck, almost all of her devious plots that weren't on the up-and-up managed to blow up in her face.

Case in point: Fighting with Vanessa for the speaker position at NYU.

Being a better person seemed like a lot of work, but it had to be better than the embarrassment she'd had to deal with upon occasion.

It also meant accidentally forming some sort of strange friendship with Humphrey.

It was unexpected, practically unwanted, but… it was nice.

Blair had never really been friends with a boy. Not true friends. She had never actually had a normal friendship either if she really thought about it. The girls at Constance were as vapid as she. She'd never been close to them. And her friendship with Serena, while her best friendship forever and always, still had so much drama attached to it. They loved each other and were still going strong, but she still sometimes fought the feelings of jealousy that arose whenever things came so easily to the blonde goddess.

With Humphrey, they managed to bond over something as simple and drama-free as a common love of films. They really didn't have anything in common and there was occasional snarky conversations (well, _mostly_ snarky conversations)… but it was probably the first _real_, nothing frenemy-like about it, friendship she'd ever had.

Nothing was expected of her; there was no romance, no jealousy, and no saving involved.

She was always so protective of Serena, knowing that the girl could jump into trouble faster than a jackrabbit. She seemed to spend half her life jealous of the 'it' girl and the other half saving her. It could be exhausting at times, but it was how their friendship went.

She would never have to worry about any of that with Dan. He was strong and level-headed. And, unlike all the new people she met and thought she had to immediately impress-to the point of nauseating niceness, she could just relax and be herself around him, not putting on the face that she kept firmly in place for the rest of the world. And she never had to worry about giving the friendship any more than what she already had.

In fact… she had a sneaking suspicion that he could be a friend _she_ could lean on. She had never had that before in _just_ a friend. While Serena was always there for her, she never felt completely comfortable with just letting loose, not knowing who would be there to help her if Serena was too busy involved in her own drama.

Clothing, status, and background aside, Dan was a good person on the _inside_—when he wasn't trying to sabatoge her. And she was starting to understand _that_ was the most important part. She wanted her parents to be proud of her. She never wanted her father or mother to look at her the way they had when they found out some scheme she'd been involved in. Her father knew she nearly destroyed a woman's career without concrete proof. Her mother knew that she nearly destroyed _her_ business prospects for her own personal gain.

She wanted them to be proud of her for who she was, _not_ just because of what she had accomplished.

Everything had been looking up, her two year plan firmly in place, when the rug was dragged out from under her a few hours ago.

The 'plan' seemed sort of fruitless when she realized that Chuck, _her_ Chuck, had feelings for Raina.

He was always the light at the end of her tunnel. The goal that made her want to work tirelessly to achieve her dreams for the perfect future that she couldn't seem to see completely in her mind's eye anymore. She'd always had a plan, even as a child. She felt in control when she had that plan, that destination to arrive at. And she was so close to seeing her plan through, she could practically taste it this time.

The breakup hadn't been _that_ easy, but part of it _had_ been… because deep down she was positive that him and his heart would always be there waiting. That was a big part of her new plan.

But, she never once thought that he would be able to trust someone else enough to give them his heart. She had worked so hard, gone through so much with him, and still barely managed to capture it. When she did, it was like she had acquired the Holy Grail. When they broke up, she definitely hadn't relinquished it! Because as much as _he_ seemed to like to toss the word around, his heart was _sacred_ to _her_!

And it _belonged_ to her.

Damn him for having feelings for a woman who had already took that next step in life just like him, the one that Blair couldn't skip even if she tried. Damn him for _daring_ to try to move on in ways that were more than just physical.

She had never expected that he would fall in love. And he hadn't said those words—thank goodness—and maybe he wasn't in love. Maybe he was just trying to find something to fill the void of what they had together.

Maybe it didn't matter anymore because Raina had clearly ended things.

But if he _was_ trying to fill some void… it was only a matter of time before he succeeded.

And she couldn't let that happen.

* * *

_Finished._


End file.
